You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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