She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize