Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
50% drunk capacity currently
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
