Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
