I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
