he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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