Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
