were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
