I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
