Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i dont even know how to be here
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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