went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
