awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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