matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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