I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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