This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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