Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize