Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
She has the best kind of daddy issues
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
