I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
