Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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