he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
