i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Randomize
