apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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