I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
