apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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