I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
