Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Randomize
