on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Houston, we have a squirter
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
