Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
