the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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