A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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