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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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