Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
They took my balls.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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