My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
