She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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