Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
