Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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