apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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