sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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