Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
