Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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