i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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