You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
