Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Randomize
