Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
