fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
