11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
