This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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