I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
