doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
there is glitter all over my balls
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
