I have demons in me.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
