i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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