there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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