I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
