I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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