my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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